No More Suffering in Silence

I've been sitting on this post for months now. Trying to find the right words, the right way to say what I want to say. I've been struggling through a lot of stress for many different reasons, but the greatest stress directly relates to my sweet Lennon.

I'm just going to come right out and say it. Lennon had a seizure. I've had an immense amount of PTSD ever since. I have been unable to sleep the same way or even go through the day without worrying. I'll start from the beginning.

As most of you know, we moved across the country from April to June. The Mr. had to leave earlier to start his new job and Lennon and I stayed behind because I had to finish my school year. Well, Lennon got sick in May. I'm talking flu sick. Throwing up, high fever, just miserable. I took her to the doctor and she seemed to get better. That was just the beginning of a month long battle of fevers. When they started happening, I wasn't too concerned. They were getting as high as 102-103, but the doctor said to bring her in if it got to 105. It never did.

The school year ended, and we started to pack up our life. The movers came and we went to stay with one of my friends. We were headed up to our co-workers cabin to spend some quality time before it was time to go for good. When we got up there, Lennon had a low grade fever, 99 something. I went to the local store and got some children's tylenol. The fever went down. The next day, she seemed fine. Not quite as hungry, but acting like her normal self.

Well as the night progressed, so did her fever. She refused to go to sleep and I got so frustrated. We were up super late trying to get her fever down, luke warm baths, cool compresses, sleeping in just a onesie, but to no avail. She finally went to sleep, but then woke at 3:00am. Her fever had spiked to almost 104 and she let out a terrible scream. She made a sound like she was going to throw up and started to seize.

Reliving that moment in words is just something that I cannot do, so you can imagine it in your minds. I'm sobbing just writing this post.

I called 911 and it seemed like the longest 5 minutes of my life. All of my co-workers surrounded us and were my rocks. I couldn't have survived that moment without them. Her seizure lasted about 30 seconds, but she became unresponsive afterwards, which I learned later on is completely normal. In that moment, though, I was terrified. The first responders arrived and she came to. We got in the ambulance and rode to the hospital. I still have no clue what caused her to have such a high fever. They tested her for the flu and strep, both were negative. They said it was likely a virus.

The kind of seizure was a Febrile Seizure and is actually quite common. According to Mayo Clinic, "A febrile seizure is a convulsion in a child that may be caused by a spike in body temperature, often from an infection." It doesn't matter how high the fever gets, it's how fast it gets there. Lennon's fever spiked so fast that it was almost inevitable. 

The kind EMT gentleman gave me some amazing tips, because his son had previously had Febrile Seizures. He suggested that I ALWAYS have a temporal thermometer, children's Tylenol, and children's Motrin on hand. As soon as we left the hospital, we went straight to walmart and I put together a fever care pack to have with us at all times. 

I've become quite obsessive about checking Lennon's temperature, she actually knows how to do it herself now. As soon as she exhibits a fever, I start alternating Motrin and Tylenol. This flu season has got me on edge and on alert. We have been taking Elderberry Syrup every day to try and avoid getting sick. We all had colds this last week and I will tell you that I bawled my eyes out when Lennon got a low grade fever. We are trying to manage, but I don't think the stress will ever fade away entirely. 

I write this post, not for pity, but to speak the unspoken. People are so afraid to talk about things, but in reality it actually helps to process and heal to TALK to others! It helped me when I had a miscarriage, because I am 1 in 4 and I am not ashamed of that! It helped after Lennon had a seizure. Just by talking to my friends, I realized that some of their kids, or even themselves, had Febrile Seizures. We need to not be afraid of speaking out. More often than not, someone else is going through the same thing and just wants somebody to talk to. Join together, be supportive, talk to one another!

Lastly, I want to thank my friend Jen who was there for me in the hospital when I had my miscarriage and who drove behind the ambulance when Lennon had her seizure. I am so grateful for her friendship and unwavering support. We all need friends who will stick by you through the awful things that you sometimes go through in life. 

Let’s not suffer in silence any longer! 

Until next time, 

The Rainbow {Part 1}

I've been feeling much more inspired lately and figured that I should probably write a post about Lennon's birth before I can no longer remember.

A few months ago I wrote a two-part story of "The Storm" and now I will write about our beautiful Rainbow. Because after all there is a Rainbow after every storm.

When we were cleared to try to conceive again, I went a little crazy. I wanted it so badly. I wanted a baby. I wanted what I wasn't able to have the year before. I wanted what so many of my friends were able to have. I wanted it so badly that it just wasn't happening. I was using apps to track my cycle and temping to see when I was ovulating. I was convinced that I no longer was ovulating so I kept going back to my doctor. My doctor had started to become more like therapy for me. She helped me more than anyone else was able to.

Then one day, I just stopped. I stopped charting. I stopped temping. I stopped all the madness and just let go. It seemed that I finally was getting over the traumatic experience that the entire year prior was in my life. I felt free of my grief for the first time in so long. That's when it happened.

The Mr. and I decided to get away. We went to our favorite city, San Diego, for a weekend and just had fun. We let loose and did whatever we wanted. I just knew. I know that sounds crazy, but I just knew we had conceived that weekend. I got this feeling that this was it. Then on our way home we drove through a storm and saw 5 rainbows. DROVE THROUGH A STORM AND SAW 5 RAINBOWS. If that's not a sign from above, then I don't know what is. The next weekend we went camping and on our way home we saw another rainbow. I didn't even need to take a test, in my gut, I knew. I knew before we even left San Diego.

We were pregnant.

Obviously I did take a test, just to confirm it for The Mr., and sure enough.. a very positive line staring us in the face. Due to our experience the past year, neither one of us allowed ourselves to get excited. We knew that anything could happen at anytime. I think we both tried not to get too attached to the idea that this could really happen, that we could end this pregnancy with a baby.

Through the next couple weeks we waited. We waited for appointments and ultrasounds and tests {we were able to have more of everything because of our past}. We waited to tell anyone. Then we saw it. The heart was beating. There was a baby. How amazing that moment was. I knew that the hard part was not over, but I knew that was our baby.

The months went by, my belly got bigger, but I was still cautiously trying not to get my hopes up. Even though I felt her kicking and moving all around in my belly, I tried not to get too attached. Yes, I was excited, but it was hard to think past the current day I was in. "Today I am pregnant" was my mantra throughout the entire pregnancy.

Once we got to the end of the pregnancy, things became a little more difficult. Doctor's visits became more frequent and my blood pressure started elevating. It was the end of the school year and I was stressed. Not only because I'm a teacher, but because I was aching and not sleeping. My blood pressure got so high one visit that my doctor sent me to the hospital to be monitored for Pre-eclampsia. Thank goodness all of the tests were negative and they sent me on my way. Unfortunately, my blood pressure was still all over the charts. Some days it was normal, some days it was high.

They continued to monitor me through the rest of my pregnancy. I made it to my due date and I went to my 40 week check up. All looked well, but I was not dilated at all. My blood pressure was amazingly in the normal range. I was in and out of my appointment in the blink of an eye and they scheduled me for another appointment that Friday.

Fast forward 4 days later and I went to {what happened to be to my last} appointment. Well.. wouldn't you know, my blood pressure was through the roof. They scheduled another appointment for the following Tuesday {if I didn't go into labor naturally before then} and back to the hospital I went for them to monitor my blood pressure... again. Guess what, blood pressure was normal as soon as they started checking it. I was off the hook for another couple days, so my mom and I went shopping. I bought a diaper bag from Kate Spade, because Kate Spade, duh, plus I only had two and that was not near enough. Well...

Until next time!

The Storm {Part 2}

I needed answers. I needed to know what was going on.  I needed to know why this wasn't going to be the pregnancy that would make me a mother. 

I decided that the first doctor we saw for our pregnancy did not treat me with respect or even give us the time of day, so I decided to get a second opinion. I felt uneasy, like something wasn't quite right. I still felt completely pregnant, morning sickness, exhaustion, food aversions. How could I be miscarrying when I felt like this? I needed answers. 

I made an appointment with a different practice for November 21, 2014. So we went, and we waited. We had another ultrasound and still no heartbeat, in fact, what was there before, was now gone. They said they thought it was a blighted ovum and that they wanted to see me back a week later on November 28, the day after Thanksgiving. 

We had some friends over for Thanksgiving and I almost was able to forget about the entire situation. In the back of my mind, I knew things were not going to be easy in the coming days. I just knew something was wrong. Come to think of it, it seemed like something was wrong the entire pregnancy. 

The Mr. went to visit his brother the next day and I went to the doctor right after I dropped him off at the airport. I had an ultrasound and was chatting with the tech. I always ask a bunch of questions and then she just got silent and said that she was finished. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest as the tech rushed out of the door and I got dressed. As I walked back out to the waiting room, I saw the tech huddled in the hallway with a bunch of people looking at my ultrasound pictures. My heart proceeded to beat faster and I felt myself start to panic. 

After 20 minutes of panicking and waiting, they finally called me back to a room. My {new and amazing} doctor walked in and told me I was experiencing a Molar Pregnancy {MP} and that they needed to remove it immediately. She proceeded to tell me that, depending on which kind of MP I had, we would have to wait a year to try again. I sobbed. Why was this happening? 

Just the night before that, I had looked up possible reasons for my symptoms and still being pregnant and came across a MP. I thought to myself, "geez, I hope that's not what I have." Then to hear all that I was hearing the next day, was just devastating. We desperately wanted to start our family and now I was being told that I needed to have surgery to remove my baby, that I fell in love with the second I got a positive pregnancy test, and that we couldn't try again for a very long time. I was heartbroken, depressed, and numb. Everything that happened after that was a blur. 

They scheduled me for a D&C, where they remove the contents of your womb, the next day. The Mr. was out of town {completely not his fault, as his trip was planned far in advance}, so my friend from work stayed with me the entire time I was in the hospital. I was admitted, then we waited, for what seemed like days. We watched numerous episodes of Friends and several movies, all while listening to the conversations of other patients around us. Oddly enough, it was kind of a fun day and I'm so thankful that my friend was there for me. 

Finally, they wheeled me back and removed the growth of tumorous cells that had formed in my womb. I remember asking, as I awoke, if they had gotten it all. I had done extensive research the night before and was very scared that some cancerous cells would be left behind. They assured me that everything was removed. I felt a sense of relief, but that was when our long journey began. Where I once felt love, I now felt empty. Like a whole part of me was removed. 

I went to the doctor a week later and found out that I had experienced a Complete MP, where "An egg with no genetic information is fertilized by a sperm. It does not develop into a fetus but continues to grow as a lump of abnormal tissue that looks a bit like a cluster of grapes and can fill the uterus." It turns out that my "baby" was never an actual baby, but believe me, from the moment I got that positive I was pregnant with a baby. No one could make me believe otherwise. It didn't matter if it was a nasty growth of cells, that "baby" was loved so much from the moment we knew. 

From there, I began the month long process of making sure my pregnancy did not cause me cancer. I went for weekly blood tests where the poked and prodded me like I was an animal at the state fair. I had holes in my arms and bruises from where the needles went in. I had anxiety waiting from my test results to come in. Each week was a waiting game. Each week my HCG (pregnancy hormone) kept going down. 

My HCG had fallen below 5 by January, which meant my body had finally rid itself of my pregnancy. I then moved onto monthly tests to make sure that my HCG stayed negative. Luckily, it did. We were cleared to try again in April after convincing my doctor to let us try after 3 monthly negatives, as opposed to her original year wait. I was so thankful and glad to be clear from this nightmare. 

I wish I could say that everything got easier right away, but it didn't. It took a long time to find peace. I constantly think about our "baby" that never came to be. I am constantly reminded of the struggle that we went through in those dark times. I am constantly reminded that we were meant to go through that storm because we now have our beautiful rainbow. 

The Storm {Part 1}

Sorry that I've been so absent lately. I haven't been feeling too inspired and have been super busy hanging out with Lennon. My days are numbered until I go back to work and I'm trying to soak up every moment with her. 

Today, I thought I would go back to the reason that I started this blog in the first place: my molar pregnancy. I never told the entire story about what happened and feel like I am ready to get it all off my chest and let it go for good. 

It was October 7,  2014 when I took a test. After waiting nearly seconds, it turned positive. It was REALLY positive. I took another test and it was positive too. Over the next couple days I took approximately 5 more tests, you know, just to be sure. And you guessed it, they were all positive. Then I finally got the courage to tell the Mr. and he was excited, which helped me to get more excited too. We were going to have a baby! 

I went to my family doctor to confirm that I was in fact pregnant because it seems that I just didn't believe it. They gave me a list of some OB/GYN's in the area. I hadn't been to a proper OB out here so I had no idea where to start. I did a lot of research to find the best one. I searched through every doctor website there was. I needed it to be a good fit as this person was going to help us through our pregnancy. We scheduled an appointment to confirm the due date {and hopefully see the heartbeat} when I would be 8 weeks. A day later I received a call from the doctor himself to talk about my asthma medication and how it would affect my pregnancy. He was very reassuring which made me feel like I had made the right decision in choosing him. 

I felt like time was standing still. 
We were just so excited and could not wait to tell our families. We let them know the good news so incredibly early because I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I also told some of my friends. We had a whole army {it seemed} excited with us. 

The time came, November 11, 2014, for our doctor's appointment. We arrived early to fill out new patient paperwork and then the nurse brought us back to the room. I remember the entire experience like it was yesterday. We waited for what seemed like ever. Finally, the doctor came in and asked a bunch of questions about my health and my asthma. I answered excitedly because I just wanted to be able to see {and hear our baby}. He left the room for a short period so I could prepare myself for the ultrasound. I remember giving the Mr. my phone to take pictures and videos when we could here the heartbeat. Little did I know what was coming. 

The doctor stepped back in and we got started. He started to search and found where the baby would be. The first words out of his mouth were "this looks like a miscarriage". He said it as if I had just ordered a coffee at Starbucks and the barista asked me if I wanted a miscarriage with that? So nonchalant, like it was no big deal.  Not exactly the words I was expecting, nor was I expecting it to be so harsh. I was in absolute shock. It just didn't make sense. He measured the "baby" and it was definitely measuring behind and did not have a heartbeat. I was devastated, but still didn't know what to think. 

The minute that he left the room, I completely broke down in sobs. I couldn't get it together, even though I knew I had to. We stepped out of the room and I went to get my labs drawn, all while still crying. I saw so many happily pregnant people walking around. I felt so defeated. 

The Mr. didn't know what to say or how to even comfort me. In those moments, I was inconsolable. 

They scheduled us an appointment to come back in two weeks, just to confirm that it was truly a miscarriage. Then they let us leave, just like that. No explanations for anything. We were completely in the dark. 

After we left, we went to get lunch and I remember just being so numb that I could barely eat anything. I nibbled at my chicken noodle soup and felt like the world around me was moving on, but I was stuck and time was standing still. 

I needed answers, so I began my search. 

Tune in next week Thursday for The Storm {Part 2}. 

Until next time!

An Open Letter to My Fertile Family and Friends

I recently read on the blog Waiting for Baby Bird a letter that she had written to her fertile family. It struck a chord with me and I have felt that I should write a similar letter to MY fertile friends and family. Please do not take any of what I'm about to say in the wrong way or personally. I'm bawling my eyes out as I write this. I just feel the need to put all of my feelings out there, to be raw, open and honest with all of you and get it off my chest. So, here it goes..

To put it bluntly, this last year has sucked. It has quite possibly been the worst year yet. I want 2015 to be over. Turning 30 sucked. Nothing about these last 9 months has been positive for me. We got pregnant with a tumor and then had to have surgery to remove it. We were told to stop trying until I got to negative. All of this has put a HUGE strain on my relationship with my husband and we are suffering because of that. All the while, EVERYONE is announcing they are pregnant {most without even "trying", they got pregnant so easily}. Talk about a stab to my heart each time. Every time I hear or see another announcement it chips away from my heart each time.

On top of all of that, I don't feel like it is easy to empathize with my situation, unless you have had a similar experience. It's hard for me to talk to many of you because I don't feel like I get the support that I need. So because of that, I have felt very lonely despite being around my loved ones. Even on my support groups, there are people who have had Molar Pregnancies and have moved on to the TTC {Trying To Conceive} portion of their journey and they are only there for 1 month before getting pregnant! And here I am sitting there for months on end with nothing to show for it, except depression.

I have lost a lot of faith. I've been struck down time and time again just to have to get back up again, and I'm starting to get too weak to get up. I know everything happens for a reason, but really? Does it?? For what reason is all of this happening to my husband and I? I'm having a really hard time finding one. I also hear that God won't give you anything you can't handle, but I'm officially not able to handle one thing more.

All of that being said, I am happy for each and every one of you, but it is SOOO hard when I'm not able to have what you all have gotten so easily. I am excited for you and WANT to hear all about your healthy pregnancies, just know that it is not easy for me. I don't want you to hold anything back from me. I support and love you all and hope that you can support and love me in return.

Mother's Day and Loss

Hello Everyone,

I know it's been over a month since the last time that I posted, but life has been pretty hectic. We've been conducting our state testing at school and it has pretty much occupied all of my time and energy. Good news though, I've got only 2 weeks left of work and then I am FREEEEEEE for the summer. Then, I promise I will blog much more frequently.

As you all know, yesterday was Mother's Day. It was even harder than I expected it to be. As I sat in church just before the end of mass, the Priest asked for all Mother's and Expectant Mother's to stand. I couldn't help but tear up. I am not a mother, nor am I expecting. My heart hurts because of that. I know, I know. It's been HOW many months, but honestly, it hurts just as much now as it did when it first happened.

I stumbled upon this article when browsing on one of my support groups that really helped me to get through yesterday. Here is a quote that struck a note with my heart:

"If Mother's Day is about love, it's also about loss and longing, which are wrapped up with love. Honoring the love of mothers means also honoring the pain that comes with Mother's Day. Because in all the circles of our lives, women are hurting today. They are mourning losses and unfulfilled longings." -Sarah Kinnard

Now, I don't want this whole post to be sad and depressing. I want to say thank you to MY mom for always being there for me, through think and thin. She is my friend for life and I am so glad God picked me to be her daughter.

I will leave you all with some artwork that my mom painted for our house. It encourages me to stay positive and hope for the best. Hopefully out of our difficulties, we will get our miracle.

Until next time!

Free and Clear!

Ok, first of all, TWO posts in ONE day?? Is that even possible?! Apparently it is when I've got the day off and am avoiding doing anything else. It's just that my creative juices are flowing today, and I don't want to squash that, so why not put them to good use?

And secondly, the moment has come. I went to the doctor and have been cleared of Molar Pregnancy!! What that means is that the big C word {CANCER}, is no longer a threat. I no longer have to go in for monthly blood tests {yay for giving my veins a break}, and I don't have to worry about developing Gestational Trophoblastic Disorder, which was a possibility. All of my recent blood tests, February and March, have been less than 1 {Thank God}.

I am so thankful and blessed that things have gone so smoothly with my recovery from this awful disease. It could have gone in a much different direction and I thank God every day that it didn't.

Finally, I can put this all behind me and move forward. And that makes me feel like this:

Until next time!

5 Things I Didn't Know About Molar Pregnancies Until I Had One

                         

                                            

First off, I want to start by saying that I have finally reached NEGATIVE!! My last, and most recent, HCG level came back at 4, which is most definitely a BIG FAT NEGATIVE!! From here, I move on to two more weekly blood draws and if those are both negative I can start with my monthly blood draws. I must do at least 3 monthlies where they are all negative and then we could possibly be cleared to try and conceive again. This could not have gone any better, considering this could lead to cancer. I am so thankful that things are moving in the right direction. I'll keep everyone updated!

                                    

                         

Now, moving on! I've decided to do a post about the things that I have learned since being diagnosed with a molar pregnancy. I'm hoping this will help others who are going through a similar situation. My whole purpose at this point is to raise awareness of Molar Pregnancies and to help individuals cope with this horrible disease. So without further ado, here are my thoughts: 

1. Your emotions will go through the wringer. When I first found out that I was miscarrrying (my first diagnoses), I was absolutely devastated. Then, when I found out about my Molar Pregnancy, that emotion was escalated to a level I've never experienced before. I also felt angry, sad, depressed, scared, and anxious. There were so many emotions that I kind of went numb. My friend was able to be with me in the hospital (my husband was out of town visiting family) and we laughed all day. It was the only thing that helped me get through the whole ordeal. I am grieving a loss and it is completely normal to go through all these emotions. They have gotten better as the days go by, but I still have moments where all I can do is cry. 

2. You will have resentment and anger for anyone who is announcing that they are pregnant. Since my diagnoses, I'm pretty sure I have seen 10 people (or more) announce their pregnancies on social media. Each one of those announcements hurt, stung, and angered me even more. I don't want to feel angry. I want to feel happy for them. It is just extremely hard to be when you're going through such an awful ordeal that you were not expecting. In fact, just months ago you were happily pregnant yourself, or so you thought. I have heard that this will get easier, but for me it is still extremely hard. 

3. A lot of people will not understand what you are going through. As much as they try to understand, they just don't get how you feel unless they have gone through a similar situation. You don't truly understand the feeling of loss after a miscarriage (molar pregnancy is a form of miscarriage) until you have been through it. You just have to be aware that people are trying to help and be comforting in their best way. That is what I have learned. I take everything with a grain of salt. It is still very hard to hear people say things like "Well, at least you can try again in 6 months or a year!" Or "at least it wasn't a real baby." Which leads me to my next lesson. 

4. It may not have been a "real" baby, but it sure was in your mind! Don't let anyone tell you differently! As soon as I got that big fat positive on a home pregnancy test, my mind had wrapped itself around the idea of a baby growing inside me. I was so excited. I was planning out nursery colors and looking for infant car seats online. Everything about it was real to me. Even when we found out that it was indeed a Molar Pregnancy, I still considered it our "angel baby." I will forever cherish this first "baby" of ours. 

5. Once you feel like you've come to terms with your loss, you realize you haven't. This is something that will take many days, weeks, months, and possible even years to get over. The grief and sadness will linger. I thought that I was hanging in there quite well, until I reached negative. I then just lost it, like a big cry baby. But it is much better to let it out, than hold it in. I have been waiting for 7 long weeks to get to this point and yet I feel more sad now than I did before. I realized that I still have a long road ahead of blood draws and waiting. Waiting for results, waiting for doctors appointments, waiting to try again, waiting to start our family. 

Just remember this one thing: It'll all be worth it in the end. 

Questions Answered

Hello one and all!

I thought I would do an update post today since I went to the doctor on Monday. I asked a million and a half questions while there (my doctor probably thinks I'm nuts). I felt that this was the first doctor's appointment that went well. Also, plus side, I didn't cry after it (which I have done after every other one)! While there, they took blood to check my hcg and discussed the upcoming months with me. Here is a run down of my hcg levels thus far: 

November 28: 111,000 

November 29 (day of D&C): 145,000

December 4: 4,657

December 11: 756

December 18: 140 

(I skipped 2 weeks for the holidays, ok'd by my doctor) 

January 5: 10!! (I am so close to negative!!) 

Here are the answers to all of the questions that I asked my doctor and her responses: 

1. What do you consider negative? "Anything under 5" (thank goodness, some doctors say anything under 2). 

2. How many molar pregnancies will you see this year? "Well, we will see about 1 molar pregnancy in every 1,000 pregnancies. So this year we will probably see around 3. You are the only mole that I'm following right now, though."

3. How many molar pregnancies have you seen throughout your career? (Note: she did not give me a specific number.) "I have seen an average of 3 per year from my residency until now." 

4. Is my wait to try to conceive again still 1 year? "If you are negative soon, then I want you to wait at least 6 months." (Praise the lord up above!) 

5. I have heard that Prenatal vitamins with folic acid help HCG levels to grow, are there any multi-vitamins that do not have any folic acid in them? "Yes, I believe they have some at Whole Foods or Sprouts, but you may need to take them more often than once a day." 

6. When can I start taking my Prenatal Vitamins again? "I am perfectly ok with you starting to take them after you reach negative."

7. I get migraines when taking birth control and I am not comfortable with going back on it, is there something else that we can do to prevent pregnancy while we have our wait time? "I would really like for you to be on birth control until you at least reach negative. Then we can discuss other preventative measures." 

8. Is there any chance that not eating enough Vitamin A caused my Molar Pregnancy? "There's not any research that says that could cause it. I still think this was a fluke and there was nothing you could do to prevent it." 

9. Do you think this will happen again? "No, I honestly don't think so." 

Alright, that's all I have for you today! Sorry for the long post! 

Until next time! 

Welcome!

Well, I've been toying around with starting a blog for some time now. In light of the recent events in my life, I've decided to just dive right in and do it. I'm hoping to shed light on a topic that has hit home and turned my life plan upside down and inside out. This blog is by no means to bring attention to myself or have people give me pity. I feel that my purpose in all of this is to bring awareness to something that is so rare that not many people have ever heard of it.

In October, my husband and I found out that we were pregnant. We were over the moon excited. I quickly scheduled my first appointment with the doctor. Then the waiting began. They wouldn't see us until I was 8 weeks along. In the meantime, we decided to tell our families the good news. They were also very excited. Finally, the time for our appointment arrived. We went in and had an ultrasound only to find out our baby had no heartbeat. I was scheduled for another ultrasound two weeks later, just to be sure that I was indeed miscarrying. However, I decided to get another opinion. We went into another Doctor's office and saw that there was now nothing on the ultrasound screen. They didn't say much at this appointment. Instead I was scheduled for ANOTHER ultrasound a week later. At this point, I just wanted all of this to be behind us so that we could move on.

I went in for my appointment, sans husband, and was extremely nervous for some reason. I just had a feeling that something was off and not right. As soon as my ultrasound was finished, the tech practically ran out of the room after telling me to wait in the waiting room. After about 20 minutes, the doctor came in and told me the bad news.

I was diagnosed with a Complete Molar Pregnancy (CMP). Not only are Molar Pregnancies very rare, but it can turn into quite a dangerous situation.  I was scheduled for an emergency D&C the next day. Some of these can turn into something called Gestational Trophoblastic Disorder (GTD) and even cancer (Choriocarcinoma), both of which require chemotherapy to bring the HCG level down to negative. Luckily, so far, mine has been an ideal situation.

Along with this diagnoses, one must go in weekly for blood draws to track your Beta HCG levels. This continues until you reach negative, which is below 5. When I went in for my D&C, on November 29, my levels were at 145,000. I then went in the following friday, December 5, and it had dropped all the way to 4,657 (thank goodness). My next couple of weekly draws have been 756 on December 11 and 140 on December 17.

I am very thankful that my levels have declined so rapidly, but I still have a long and winding road to travel. I will post updates when I have them!

I will also try to post about fashion, exercise, travel, food, photography, and other events that occur in my life.