Thursday, September 29, 2016

The Storm {Part 1}

Sorry that I've been so absent lately. I haven't been feeling too inspired and have been super busy hanging out with Lennon. My days are numbered until I go back to work and I'm trying to soak up every moment with her. 

Today, I thought I would go back to the reason that I started this blog in the first place: my molar pregnancy. I never told the entire story about what happened and feel like I am ready to get it all off my chest and let it go for good. 

It was October 7,  2014 when I took a test. After waiting nearly seconds, it turned positive. It was REALLY positive. I took another test and it was positive too. Over the next couple days I took approximately 5 more tests, you know, just to be sure. And you guessed it, they were all positive. Then I finally got the courage to tell the Mr. and he was excited, which helped me to get more excited too. We were going to have a baby! 

I went to my family doctor to confirm that I was in fact pregnant because it seems that I just didn't believe it. They gave me a list of some OB/GYN's in the area. I hadn't been to a proper OB out here so I had no idea where to start. I did a lot of research to find the best one. I searched through every doctor website there was. I needed it to be a good fit as this person was going to help us through our pregnancy. We scheduled an appointment to confirm the due date {and hopefully see the heartbeat} when I would be 8 weeks. A day later I received a call from the doctor himself to talk about my asthma medication and how it would affect my pregnancy. He was very reassuring which made me feel like I had made the right decision in choosing him. 

I felt like time was standing still. 
We were just so excited and could not wait to tell our families. We let them know the good news so incredibly early because I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I also told some of my friends. We had a whole army {it seemed} excited with us. 

The time came, November 11, 2014, for our doctor's appointment. We arrived early to fill out new patient paperwork and then the nurse brought us back to the room. I remember the entire experience like it was yesterday. We waited for what seemed like ever. Finally, the doctor came in and asked a bunch of questions about my health and my asthma. I answered excitedly because I just wanted to be able to see {and hear our baby}. He left the room for a short period so I could prepare myself for the ultrasound. I remember giving the Mr. my phone to take pictures and videos when we could here the heartbeat. Little did I know what was coming. 

The doctor stepped back in and we got started. He started to search and found where the baby would be. The first words out of his mouth were "this looks like a miscarriage". He said it as if I had just ordered a coffee at Starbucks and the barista asked me if I wanted a miscarriage with that? So nonchalant, like it was no big deal.  Not exactly the words I was expecting, nor was I expecting it to be so harsh. I was in absolute shock. It just didn't make sense. He measured the "baby" and it was definitely measuring behind and did not have a heartbeat. I was devastated, but still didn't know what to think. 

The minute that he left the room, I completely broke down in sobs. I couldn't get it together, even though I knew I had to. We stepped out of the room and I went to get my labs drawn, all while still crying. I saw so many happily pregnant people walking around. I felt so defeated. 

The Mr. didn't know what to say or how to even comfort me. In those moments, I was inconsolable. 

They scheduled us an appointment to come back in two weeks, just to confirm that it was truly a miscarriage. Then they let us leave, just like that. No explanations for anything. We were completely in the dark. 

After we left, we went to get lunch and I remember just being so numb that I could barely eat anything. I nibbled at my chicken noodle soup and felt like the world around me was moving on, but I was stuck and time was standing still. 

I needed answers, so I began my search. 

Tune in next week Thursday for The Storm {Part 2}. 

Until next time!

No comments :

Post a Comment