Tuesday, January 20, 2015

5 Things I Didn't Know About Molar Pregnancies Until I Had One


First off, I want to start by saying that I have finally reached NEGATIVE!! My last, and most recent, HCG level came back at 4, which is most definitely a BIG FAT NEGATIVE!! From here, I move on to two more weekly blood draws and if those are both negative I can start with my monthly blood draws. I must do at least 3 monthlies where they are all negative and then we could possibly be cleared to try and conceive again. This could not have gone any better, considering this could lead to cancer. I am so thankful that things are moving in the right direction. I'll keep everyone updated!

Now, moving on! I've decided to do a post about the things that I have learned since being diagnosed with a molar pregnancy. I'm hoping this will help others who are going through a similar situation. My whole purpose at this point is to raise awareness of Molar Pregnancies and to help individuals cope with this horrible disease. So without further ado, here are my thoughts: 

1. Your emotions will go through the wringer. When I first found out that I was miscarrrying (my first diagnoses), I was absolutely devastated. Then, when I found out about my Molar Pregnancy, that emotion was escalated to a level I've never experienced before. I also felt angry, sad, depressed, scared, and anxious. There were so many emotions that I kind of went numb. My friend was able to be with me in the hospital (my husband was out of town visiting family) and we laughed all day. It was the only thing that helped me get through the whole ordeal. I am grieving a loss and it is completely normal to go through all these emotions. They have gotten better as the days go by, but I still have moments where all I can do is cry. 

2. You will have resentment and anger for anyone who is announcing that they are pregnant. Since my diagnoses, I'm pretty sure I have seen 10 people (or more) announce their pregnancies on social media. Each one of those announcements hurt, stung, and angered me even more. I don't want to feel angry. I want to feel happy for them. It is just extremely hard to be when you're going through such an awful ordeal that you were not expecting. In fact, just months ago you were happily pregnant yourself, or so you thought. I have heard that this will get easier, but for me it is still extremely hard. 

3. A lot of people will not understand what you are going through. As much as they try to understand, they just don't get how you feel unless they have gone through a similar situation. You don't truly understand the feeling of loss after a miscarriage (molar pregnancy is a form of miscarriage) until you have been through it. You just have to be aware that people are trying to help and be comforting in their best way. That is what I have learned. I take everything with a grain of salt. It is still very hard to hear people say things like "Well, at least you can try again in 6 months or a year!" Or "at least it wasn't a real baby." Which leads me to my next lesson. 

4. It may not have been a "real" baby, but it sure was in your mind! Don't let anyone tell you differently! As soon as I got that big fat positive on a home pregnancy test, my mind had wrapped itself around the idea of a baby growing inside me. I was so excited. I was planning out nursery colors and looking for infant car seats online. Everything about it was real to me. Even when we found out that it was indeed a Molar Pregnancy, I still considered it our "angel baby." I will forever cherish this first "baby" of ours. 

5. Once you feel like you've come to terms with your loss, you realize you haven't. This is something that will take many days, weeks, months, and possible even years to get over. The grief and sadness will linger. I thought that I was hanging in there quite well, until I reached negative. I then just lost it, like a big cry baby. But it is much better to let it out, than hold it in. I have been waiting for 7 long weeks to get to this point and yet I feel more sad now than I did before. I realized that I still have a long road ahead of blood draws and waiting. Waiting for results, waiting for doctors appointments, waiting to try again, waiting to start our family. 

Just remember this one thing: It'll all be worth it in the end. 

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Questions Answered

Hello one and all!

I thought I would do an update post today since I went to the doctor on Monday. I asked a million and a half questions while there (my doctor probably thinks I'm nuts). I felt that this was the first doctor's appointment that went well. Also, plus side, I didn't cry after it (which I have done after every other one)! While there, they took blood to check my hcg and discussed the upcoming months with me. Here is a run down of my hcg levels thus far: 

November 28: 111,000 
November 29 (day of D&C): 145,000
December 4: 4,657
December 11: 756
December 18: 140 
(I skipped 2 weeks for the holidays, ok'd by my doctor) 
January 5: 10!! (I am so close to negative!!) 

Here are the answers to all of the questions that I asked my doctor and her responses: 

1. What do you consider negative? "Anything under 5" (thank goodness, some doctors say anything under 2). 

2. How many molar pregnancies will you see this year? "Well, we will see about 1 molar pregnancy in every 1,000 pregnancies. So this year we will probably see around 3. You are the only mole that I'm following right now, though."

3. How many molar pregnancies have you seen throughout your career? (Note: she did not give me a specific number.) "I have seen an average of 3 per year from my residency until now." 

4. Is my wait to try to conceive again still 1 year? "If you are negative soon, then I want you to wait at least 6 months." (Praise the lord up above!) 

5. I have heard that Prenatal vitamins with folic acid help HCG levels to grow, are there any multi-vitamins that do not have any folic acid in them? "Yes, I believe they have some at Whole Foods or Sprouts, but you may need to take them more often than once a day." 

6. When can I start taking my Prenatal Vitamins again? "I am perfectly ok with you starting to take them after you reach negative."

7. I get migraines when taking birth control and I am not comfortable with going back on it, is there something else that we can do to prevent pregnancy while we have our wait time? "I would really like for you to be on birth control until you at least reach negative. Then we can discuss other preventative measures." 

8. Is there any chance that not eating enough Vitamin A caused my Molar Pregnancy? "There's not any research that says that could cause it. I still think this was a fluke and there was nothing you could do to prevent it." 

9. Do you think this will happen again? "No, I honestly don't think so." 

Alright, that's all I have for you today! Sorry for the long post! 

Until next time! 

Monday, January 5, 2015

Woman plans, God laughs

Hello all!

While recently traveling from Wisconsin back to Arizona I was deep into my current book, when all of a sudden one of the characters said "Woman plans, God laughs". It then clicked in my mind that I need to take a step back and STOP planning so much. This has now become one of my New Year's resolutions. I am such a planner. In everything that I do. And my recent pregnancy was not an exception. I still think that a little planning is ok, but everything in moderation, right? I truly need to just sit back and let some things happen when they are meant to. 

One of my other resolutions for this new year is to read more books. The book I was reading on the plane was called "Misery Loves Cabernet" by Kim Gruenenfelder.

 I have finished that and have now moved on to " The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant.

Up next, who knows! Probably something written by Nora Roberts (she just happens to be one of my favorite authors). Also on my list of upcoming reads are "The One and Only" by Emily Giffin, "A Secret Kept" by Tatiana De Rosnay and "Thin, Rich, Pretty" by Beth Harbison. 

Last, but not least, my third resolution is to CONTINUE to eat healthy and be healthy. I take Ziggy, our dog, for walks daily (or at least I try to) and I attend Yoga and Pilates classes. I would like to start hiking and running more, but I need to get some new tennis shoes first (again with my retail therapy). 

Well, that's all I have for you today! 

Until next time! 

Friday, January 2, 2015

Grieving through Fashion

Hello Everyone!

Well, it seems that I have been using shopping therapy to help me cope with everything that I've been dealing with. Lately, my purchase of choice has been boots. I'm not sure if it's because I've been in Wisconsin or just because I'm obsessed with boots. Either way, I love my recent purchases and thought I'd share them with you.

Minnetonka Moccasins Here / Top Here / Cardigan Here

Boots Similar Here

Boots Similar Here

Also, I just wanted to give you all an update. I decided to randomly take a pregnancy test today and IT WAS NEGATIVE! I'm hoping that means that when I go into the doctor on Monday, that I will be negative there as well! I never thought I would be wishing for all of these negative tests, BUT thank goodness!

Until next time!