I decided that the first doctor we saw for our pregnancy did not treat me with respect or even give us the time of day, so I decided to get a second opinion. I felt uneasy, like something wasn't quite right. I still felt completely pregnant, morning sickness, exhaustion, food aversions. How could I be miscarrying when I felt like this? I needed answers.
I made an appointment with a different practice for November 21, 2014. So we went, and we waited. We had another ultrasound and still no heartbeat, in fact, what was there before, was now gone. They said they thought it was a blighted ovum and that they wanted to see me back a week later on November 28, the day after Thanksgiving.
We had some friends over for Thanksgiving and I almost was able to forget about the entire situation. In the back of my mind, I knew things were not going to be easy in the coming days. I just knew something was wrong. Come to think of it, it seemed like something was wrong the entire pregnancy.
The Mr. went to visit his brother the next day and I went to the doctor right after I dropped him off at the airport. I had an ultrasound and was chatting with the tech. I always ask a bunch of questions and then she just got silent and said that she was finished. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest as the tech rushed out of the door and I got dressed. As I walked back out to the waiting room, I saw the tech huddled in the hallway with a bunch of people looking at my ultrasound pictures. My heart proceeded to beat faster and I felt myself start to panic.
After 20 minutes of panicking and waiting, they finally called me back to a room. My {new and amazing} doctor walked in and told me I was experiencing a Molar Pregnancy {MP} and that they needed to remove it immediately. She proceeded to tell me that, depending on which kind of MP I had, we would have to wait a year to try again. I sobbed. Why was this happening?
Just the night before that, I had looked up possible reasons for my symptoms and still being pregnant and came across a MP. I thought to myself, "geez, I hope that's not what I have." Then to hear all that I was hearing the next day, was just devastating. We desperately wanted to start our family and now I was being told that I needed to have surgery to remove my baby, that I fell in love with the second I got a positive pregnancy test, and that we couldn't try again for a very long time. I was heartbroken, depressed, and numb. Everything that happened after that was a blur.
They scheduled me for a D&C, where they remove the contents of your womb, the next day. The Mr. was out of town {completely not his fault, as his trip was planned far in advance}, so my friend from work stayed with me the entire time I was in the hospital. I was admitted, then we waited, for what seemed like days. We watched numerous episodes of Friends and several movies, all while listening to the conversations of other patients around us. Oddly enough, it was kind of a fun day and I'm so thankful that my friend was there for me.
Finally, they wheeled me back and removed the growth of tumorous cells that had formed in my womb. I remember asking, as I awoke, if they had gotten it all. I had done extensive research the night before and was very scared that some cancerous cells would be left behind. They assured me that everything was removed. I felt a sense of relief, but that was when our long journey began. Where I once felt love, I now felt empty. Like a whole part of me was removed.
I went to the doctor a week later and found out that I had experienced a Complete MP, where "An egg with no genetic information is fertilized by a sperm. It does not develop into a fetus but continues to grow as a lump of abnormal tissue that looks a bit like a cluster of grapes and can fill the uterus." It turns out that my "baby" was never an actual baby, but believe me, from the moment I got that positive I was pregnant with a baby. No one could make me believe otherwise. It didn't matter if it was a nasty growth of cells, that "baby" was loved so much from the moment we knew.
From there, I began the month long process of making sure my pregnancy did not cause me cancer. I went for weekly blood tests where the poked and prodded me like I was an animal at the state fair. I had holes in my arms and bruises from where the needles went in. I had anxiety waiting from my test results to come in. Each week was a waiting game. Each week my HCG (pregnancy hormone) kept going down.
My HCG had fallen below 5 by January, which meant my body had finally rid itself of my pregnancy. I then moved onto monthly tests to make sure that my HCG stayed negative. Luckily, it did. We were cleared to try again in April after convincing my doctor to let us try after 3 monthly negatives, as opposed to her original year wait. I was so thankful and glad to be clear from this nightmare.
I wish I could say that everything got easier right away, but it didn't. It took a long time to find peace. I constantly think about our "baby" that never came to be. I am constantly reminded of the struggle that we went through in those dark times. I am constantly reminded that we were meant to go through that storm because we now have our beautiful rainbow.
No comments :
Post a Comment