Tuesday, January 20, 2015

5 Things I Didn't Know About Molar Pregnancies Until I Had One


First off, I want to start by saying that I have finally reached NEGATIVE!! My last, and most recent, HCG level came back at 4, which is most definitely a BIG FAT NEGATIVE!! From here, I move on to two more weekly blood draws and if those are both negative I can start with my monthly blood draws. I must do at least 3 monthlies where they are all negative and then we could possibly be cleared to try and conceive again. This could not have gone any better, considering this could lead to cancer. I am so thankful that things are moving in the right direction. I'll keep everyone updated!

Now, moving on! I've decided to do a post about the things that I have learned since being diagnosed with a molar pregnancy. I'm hoping this will help others who are going through a similar situation. My whole purpose at this point is to raise awareness of Molar Pregnancies and to help individuals cope with this horrible disease. So without further ado, here are my thoughts: 

1. Your emotions will go through the wringer. When I first found out that I was miscarrrying (my first diagnoses), I was absolutely devastated. Then, when I found out about my Molar Pregnancy, that emotion was escalated to a level I've never experienced before. I also felt angry, sad, depressed, scared, and anxious. There were so many emotions that I kind of went numb. My friend was able to be with me in the hospital (my husband was out of town visiting family) and we laughed all day. It was the only thing that helped me get through the whole ordeal. I am grieving a loss and it is completely normal to go through all these emotions. They have gotten better as the days go by, but I still have moments where all I can do is cry. 

2. You will have resentment and anger for anyone who is announcing that they are pregnant. Since my diagnoses, I'm pretty sure I have seen 10 people (or more) announce their pregnancies on social media. Each one of those announcements hurt, stung, and angered me even more. I don't want to feel angry. I want to feel happy for them. It is just extremely hard to be when you're going through such an awful ordeal that you were not expecting. In fact, just months ago you were happily pregnant yourself, or so you thought. I have heard that this will get easier, but for me it is still extremely hard. 

3. A lot of people will not understand what you are going through. As much as they try to understand, they just don't get how you feel unless they have gone through a similar situation. You don't truly understand the feeling of loss after a miscarriage (molar pregnancy is a form of miscarriage) until you have been through it. You just have to be aware that people are trying to help and be comforting in their best way. That is what I have learned. I take everything with a grain of salt. It is still very hard to hear people say things like "Well, at least you can try again in 6 months or a year!" Or "at least it wasn't a real baby." Which leads me to my next lesson. 

4. It may not have been a "real" baby, but it sure was in your mind! Don't let anyone tell you differently! As soon as I got that big fat positive on a home pregnancy test, my mind had wrapped itself around the idea of a baby growing inside me. I was so excited. I was planning out nursery colors and looking for infant car seats online. Everything about it was real to me. Even when we found out that it was indeed a Molar Pregnancy, I still considered it our "angel baby." I will forever cherish this first "baby" of ours. 

5. Once you feel like you've come to terms with your loss, you realize you haven't. This is something that will take many days, weeks, months, and possible even years to get over. The grief and sadness will linger. I thought that I was hanging in there quite well, until I reached negative. I then just lost it, like a big cry baby. But it is much better to let it out, than hold it in. I have been waiting for 7 long weeks to get to this point and yet I feel more sad now than I did before. I realized that I still have a long road ahead of blood draws and waiting. Waiting for results, waiting for doctors appointments, waiting to try again, waiting to start our family. 

Just remember this one thing: It'll all be worth it in the end. 

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